Men and Women Think of Affairs Differently

What would make you more jealous? If your partner was sexually unfaithful, or if your partner was emotionally unfaithful?

According to David Frederick of Chapman University study on infidelity, men and women are different. Research subjects rated what would upset them more: their partners having sex with someone but not falling in love; or their partners falling in love with someone but not having sex with them. It turns out that heterosexual men are much more likely to be upset by sexual infidelity. Heterosexual women are more likely to be upset by emotional unfaithfulness. Bisexual men and women, gay men and lesbians did not differ significantly.

I found their reasoning interesting. The “evolutionary perspective” claims that men may not be certain that they are the father of a child. This questions their masculinity, which leads him to be more upset with his partner committing sexual infidelity. Women on the other hand are more upset by emotional infidelity because it threatens their partner’s commitment to them, and threatens their resources.

Affairs are a common cause of divorce. The Chapman University study indicates that 34% of men and 24% of women have affairs outside of marriage. The rate is even higher for dating couples.

Women and men also differ on how they conduct an affair. Psychologist Janet Reibstein states that men tend to compartmentalize; they think the only people affected by an affair are he and their lover. Women tend to consider the consequences to the larger system. They are aware of a ripple effect. For example, women are more likely to have an affair out of town to minimize negative consequences to others. Men might believe that a local affair will have few negative consequences.

The healing process is different for men and women. Women tend to be more obsessed with details of the affair and they take longer to heal. Women who are unfaithful are more emotionally attached to their affair partner than men who are unfaithful.

There are also gender differences toward divorce. Men are more likely to initiate divorce if women are the ones who have an affair. If men have affairs women are quicker to forgive and may try to keep their family together.

If you are struggling in the aftermath of an affair, I recommend reading After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring and Not “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass.