Some People Refuse to Be Held Accountable

Imagine that someone has wronged you. They have committed a grievous offense that calls for a heart to heart talk. You hope for an acknowledgment of wrongdoing, an apology, and assurance that it won’t happen again. Instead, your conversation turns into an argument and is deeply unsatisfying. What went wrong?

Some people refuse to be held accountable for their actions. Perhaps it is a teenager who has determined that you are irrelevant. Maybe it is a cheating spouse. Or, a batterer who aims for power and control.

There are many tactics they use to avoid being held accountable. Cognition Works is a program for treating perpetrators of abuse and violence. They list strategies that people utilize in order to dodge their responsibility.

The strategies are designed to put you on the defensive. This is done in a myriad of ways. These people make attempts to turn the tables verbally and question the complainant’s competency – “Who are you to question me?” Or question them personally, “You do the same and worse to me.” They claim you don’t appreciate all changes they’ve already made. Or they bring up irrelevant issues instead of sticking to the topic you’ve raised. They may pick at small details, “That’s not the right word.” They may minimize the situation, “You are making a big deal out of nothing.” Or, they may demonstrate anger in order to silence you.

Or the strategies are designed to control information. Premature apologies are designed to appease you in the moment with the intent to end the conversation. They may agree but have no intention of following through. “Yes, can we move on now?” Rather than fully engage in a discussion of the offense, they will leave out or distort information, or mention only self-serving information. They may be intentionally vague. Or, they may remain silent, refusing to give any information. They might try to confuse by including too much detail or not enough. They may divert attention away from the subject at hand. They may claim they can’t recall “I don’t remember that.” Or, “You misunderstood me” instead of focusing on the complaint. Or, they may shift blame to others.

So what are you to do? It can be maddening to engage in these exchanges regularly. If you feel that your complaints are met with resistance more often than not, then you may be dealing with a person who will not be held accountable for their actions. It is in your best interests to set boundaries and consequences without their cooperation. Clearly define your limits and be prepared to convey your limits in a direct and assertive manner. Follow through.