Broken Relationships

Elections tend to crystalize our values, priorities and fears. This election, more than most, polarized America around deeply held convictions. The language is not civil and in many cases the gloves are off. The result may be broken relationships. Thanksgiving dinner can be strained and Christmas can be lonely if family members and close friends are angry with one another.

Social media has traditionally served as a format to stay in touch with distant friends or family, share a joke, post photos of babies, puppies and kittens, and share inspirational quotes. Those days are over. Social media has turned into a format to share preferred world views. When these world views collide, they can create animosity. “How could you believe that?’ I have a friend who took a Facebook hiatus in order to establish some distance from views that she did not support or condone. She then purged 150 “friends” from her network.

Lines have been drawn in the sand in terms of what we cannot tolerate. This election has caused us to clarify which friends we are most aligned with and which we most different from. It is more apparent which friends will remain in our inner circle of lifetime allies, and which people are more appropriate to purge.

If you find that someone is so repugnant that you are considering “unfriending” them, here’s what I recommend. Draw a circle. Draw a wider circle around it. Then draw a third circle around it.
● The center circle represents your core values and principles. This is about what is most important to you and what you expect from friendships. For example, you may be committed to loyalty, forgiveness and mutual respect.
● The middle circle represents your areas of flexibility. For example, you may find a particular person’s views repugnant, but perhaps you can tolerate them if you have less frequent contact with them.
● The outer circle represents what you cannot tolerate. For example, you should not accept abuse in any form.
Assign your friendships an appropriate place in one of these circles.

There may be people in our inner circle that we love, yet we are offended by something they said or did. These relationships are worthy of reconciliation. Here’s a communication technique that I recommend for talking to your close friends and relatives who have offended you. It has three parts.
● First, state the facts of what was said or done, without judgment or evaluation. Example: “I noticed your Facebook post about (fill in the blank)”.
● Second, state your vulnerable emotion and refrain from anger. Example: “Reading that made me feel sad that we have such divergent views of life. I’m afraid that you don’t respect me.” Generally speaking, if you scratch the surface of anger you will find vulnerable emotions such as fear, confusion, sadness, embarrassment, etc. If you share a vulnerable emotion others will be more likely to want to soothe you. If you express anger, they will more likely be angry in turn, resulting in conflict.
● Third, make a request and frame it in a positive manner. Example: “I request that we talk face to face about our differences, so that we can better understand each other.” It is more productive to make a request of what you would like, rather than a request of what you don’t want.

I suggest that we act in a manner that is consistent with our core values. If we value civility, then we should act in a civil manner. If we value honesty, then we should be honest. If we value forgiveness then we should extend forgiveness.