Domestic Violence: Why Does She Stay?

Domestic violence is getting national attention. NFL player, Ray Rice, was released Monday by the Baltimore Ravens. His then fiancee, Janay Palmer, got into an altercation on an elevator in the casino in Atlantic City on February 15. Rice knocked her out with a punch to the head then dragged her face down out of the elevator. His team initially gave him support until they saw the video. Upon public outcries, the league suspended him indefinitely. Ray Rice pleaded not guilty to aggravated assault and applied to a program for first-time offenders that could clear him of charges in as little as one year.

What many people don’t understand is why his wife would stay. She defended him saying “I love my husband. I support him” and, “I want people to respect our privacy in this family matter.” She expressed regret for her role in the offense, as if she shares responsibility. Her statements suggest that she is embarrassed, and wants the public to know that he will change, and their love is true.

Unfortunately, Janay’s response is not atypical according to The Illinois Coalition Against Domestic Violence (ICADV). There are three phases of an abuse cycle and these phases can be repetitive. The phases are Escalation, Acute Battering and Remorse. The following information is taken from their teaching material.

Victims like Janay may appear dazed, with a flat appearance. They may try to take responsibility for what happened. They will tend to minimize their fear, or the seriousness of their injuries, or the dangerousness of the incident. Victims may have a number of responses as they attempt to protect themselves physically and emotionally, or their reputation and pride, or their family.

A typical cycle of domestic violence follows three phases. Phase 1 is Escalation toward physical violence. Batterers may make unreasonable demands and have small outbursts. Tension and battering increases and the abusive partner may become increasingly controlling or cruel. In this phase the victim tries to calm the batterer by becoming nurturing and compliant, either by anticipating the batterer’s every want or by staying out of the way. They accept abusiveness as legitimate upset, and may accept some of the responsibility for the abusive behavior.

Phase 2 is the Acute Battering Stage. The batterer tries to control his partner with abuse and generally justifies his bad behavior. The abuse may get worse if the batterer finds it hard to keep control of the partner. If the victim resists, the batterer may become more violent. In this phase, the victim’s behavior does not affect the outcome. Attempts at self defense leads to more serious injury. The only option is to find a safe place to hide before it starts. Typical symptoms for victims after an assault are denial, disbelief, rationalization, a delay in seeking medical help, feelings of helplessness and shame. Sometimes victims will provoke the batterer because they can no longer tolerate the overwhelming tension, stress and fear.

Phase 3 is Remorse and the Honeymoon phase. The batterer promises it won’t happen again, wants forgiveness, and tries to be affectionate, charming and loving. They might give gifts and enlist family and friends to plead their case and to work on the victim’s sense of guilt. They believe the battering won’t happen again. They promise anything, including going to couples counseling or a batterer’s treatment program. The victim in this stage wants the batterer’s promises to work. They choose to believe this is their partner’s true self. They may idealize their relationship. After a number of cycles, the apologies and promises may become worthless. Some victims plan an exit at this point. Or, they may stay in the relationship out of fear.

So why does Janay Rice stay? She stays, for now, because she is caught in the cycle of abuse. We don’t know the details of this couple’s particular situation. But understanding that there are phases of domestic violence sheds light on the context of a decision to stay or leave.