Part II: Affairs Are Hurtful
My last article discussed gender differences regarding affairs. I referenced the Chapman University study which indicated that 34% of men and 24% of women have affairs outside of marriage and the rate is even higher for dating couples. Cheating is easy. There are even online services that market to married people with advertisements “Life is short. Have an affair” and “No one has to know.”
But if your partner finds out, the emotional pain can be devastating. If given the choice between severe physical pain and emotional suffering from your partner’s affair, most would choose acute physical pain. I would like to think that if the unfaithful partner fully understood the depth of pain they cause their partner, they would not be callous of their partners feelings.
Helen Fisher, anthropologist, studies romantic love. She finds that people will live and die for love. Love is not an emotion. It is a drive – a brain system that causes great joy and great sorrow. Her studies indicate that the brain has three systems: lust, romantic love, and attachment. Lust creates craving for sex, romantic love focuses your mating activity to one person, and attachment evolved in order to tolerate your partner long enough to raise children.
The problem is that these three brain systems: lust, romantic love and attachment, don’t always function together. You can have lust for one person, feel romantic love for someone else, and be securely attached to a different person. Helen Fisher believes that we are an animal that was built to reproduce, not necessarily built to have happy relationships. We have to work to keep our relationships intact.
One’s personal experience of betrayal varies upon their commitment level to the relationship. Not every couple chooses to be monogamous. But there are similarities among those who experience unfaithfulness.
Janis Abrahms Spring explains what happens to the hurt party upon discovery of an affair.
There may be poor eating, disturbed sleep, a deadening of interests and loss of control over thoughts and actions. The hurt party may become obsessed and unable to shut off their thoughts. They may feel isolated from others because there are few people with whom they can discuss this highly personal injury. There may be PTSD like symptoms such as hyper vigilance that causes one to be on guard. They may feel disoriented in that the world as they knew it has changed. Rather than feel special to their partner, they now feel disposable and interchangeable. They may lose their identity and sense of self. Some lose their sense of purpose and their will to live. Deep despair may cause suicidal thoughts.
If the hurt party desires to stay in the relationship, they may act in ways that are uncharacteristic. They may do things they would never have believed they could, such as begging or stalking, and therefore lose self-respect. It is important to note that these are normal reactions to infidelity.
Although it is difficult, many couples are able to heal from the injury. Janis Abrahms Spring forecasts a roller coaster of emotions that lasts a year to a year-and-a-half from the time of revelation and end of affair to more stable emotions.
To learn about the healing process, I recommend After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring.