Complicated Grief
My heart goes out to the family of Vice President Joe Biden. His son, “Beau” Biden died yesterday of cancer. Joe Biden is no stranger to grief. His wife and their daughter were killed in a car accident in 1972. It is said that there is no grief as difficult as losing a child, and our Vice President has now lost two children, in addition to losing his wife. It is apparent that Vice President Biden coped well with his past losses. But his multiple losses reminded me of a story that illustrates the potential difficulty of cumulative losses.
I went to Uganda with the Rotary Club last year. My role was to teach counseling skills to nurses within a medical hospital. I met with a nurse who had been trying to help a 15-year-old girl who came to the hospital in a borderline psychotic state following multiple losses. This young girl never knew her father and her mother died when she was six years old. She was taken to live with an aunt who also died when she was eight years old. This girl was then taken to live with an uncle who died when she was 10. She then lived with another uncle who died when she was 12. She then lived with her grandmother who recently died just prior to this hospitalization. This young girl had experienced so many overwhelming losses that she could no longer function. She had experienced six significant losses in her lifetime, not to count the losses of familiarity with each move to another household. She stopped communicating. By the end of her hospital stay, she was more communicative but continued to have symptoms of mental illness. She left the hospital to live with a third uncle in a different village. One hopes that she found security and was able to adjust to her losses. Many people would break down after facing such horrific losses.
Many people are resilient enough to recovery from a single loss, but multiple losses are risk factors that could lead to psychiatric disorders such as major depression, panic, anxiety, post-traumatic stress and substance abuse. The compounding effects of trauma can overwhelm the person’s normal ability to cope. The pain can be so great that they want to avoid it. They may wall off the emotions from conscious awareness. However, this type of withdrawal can lead to dissociation thereby cutting off acceptance of the loss.
Healing from the death of a loved one doesn’t happen in isolation. It is important to surround the grieving person with love so that they are not alone. Acknowledge their loss, offer support, and ask how they feel. Listen with compassion, offer practical assistance and provide long term support that extends beyond the immediate crisis. Watch for warning signs of mental illness or suicide that may set in long after the initial loss.
If you are experiencing grief and wonder if you are handling it in a healthy manner, I recommend you read “Change, Loss, and Grief: Are Your Reactions Normal or Unhealthy?” found on www.sharecare.com, July, 2009.