Feeling Angry?

Aristotle said “Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way – that is not easy.”

We’ve all been the subject of someone’s anger and felt unfairly attacked. And, we have wrongfully attacked other with our anger. Some of our relationships have been riddled with conflict, leading to the end of the relationship. What we do with this emotion is critical. Anger can either destroy our relationships, or it can lead to growth, being used as a sign that something is wrong and needs to change.

Anger may be aroused when we are hurt or afraid; when we see ourselves as a victim, feel ignored or discounted or feel powerless. We may be seeking justice or revenge and believe that others deserve our anger as punishment.

The emotion of anger is often accompanied by physical reactions such as a pounding heart, shaking, red face, stomach-aches or crying. These and other symptoms are caused by the rush of adrenalin that floods the nervous system in its preparation for flight or fight.

The manner in which we express anger can be traced to early learning experiences and family modeling. Families that encourage children to discuss their emotions, including anger, make it safe to express feelings. On the other hand, families that are marked with neglect, abuse or violence can trigger a flight or fight response, which is often carried into adulthood. We may carry learned behavior into adult life, replaying unresolved anger into new relationships in the same old ways.

What is your comfort level with anger? Are you conflict avoidant, hesitant to speak your mind for fear of causing a problem? You may stuff your anger underground. Unresolved chronic anger can lead to health problems and interpersonal resentments that don’t go away. Buried anger can also surface when the next emotional upset occurs, intensifying its impact on us.

Or, do you use anger as a tool to get power and control? At its worse, verbal, emotional, sexual or physical abuse can occur.

When counseling couples in therapy, I tell them that anger can block meaningful communication because you can’t articulate yourself well and you can’t hear what the other person is saying when your thoughts are clouded with intense emotion. Emotional flooding creates stress states in the body that need to be calmed before having that difficult discussion.

So, what do you do?

1. Reflect on your feeling of anger. Anger is an emotion that makes us feel powerful. Scratch the surface of anger to see what vulnerable emotion may be underneath. Such vulnerable emotions may be sadness, embarrassment, shame, hurt, confusion, etc. If you share your vulnerable emotion first, you will likely find your partner has a desire to help. If you start with anger, your partner may be become defensive.

2. Wait until you are calm to have that talk. Let your partner know you need a break until you can continue, but give them a specific time when you will return to the conversation or they will feel unfairly dismissed, thus causing them to feel angry.

3. Use “I” language, instead of making “You” statements. Use language that will calm, rather than inflame.

4. Make a request that will help resolve the perceived offense.

5. Let the other person express their feelings about the situation and make sure you understand their perspective before moving on.

Anger can be expressed appropriately, assertively and respectfully resulting in a healthy expression of feelings, dialogue with others and problem-solving.