Women Are More Likely to Initiate Divorce
No one wants a divorce. It is terribly painful for one or both partners and the children. But by the time a woman says “I’m Done” it may be too late. Michael Rosenfeld of Stanford University studied relationships and breakups. It turns out that women are 69% more likely to initiate divorce than men. Interestingly, this is not true among unmarried couples. Men and women are equally likely to end an unsatisfying dating relationship. There is a shift from dating to marriage in which women become less satisfied and men are more content than their wives.
There are socioeconomic reasons why women might be unhappy in their marriages. Women are not as well-served by the institution of marriage as men are. For example, couples in dual-income families spend an equal amount of time at work, but wives spend more time on housework and childcare. Men get 20 percent more leisure time a week than their wives do.
There are a number of reasons why a couple might split. It could be an affair, excessive porn use, substance abuse or just plain feeling unloved. Perhaps there is nothing overtly wrong, but one of them just falls out of love. They’ve stopped investing in the marriage.
When I do an assessment of a couples relationship, one of the things that I look for is the amount of emotional engagement. I worry for the couples in which one partner has stopped voicing complaints. If they no longer have the emotional energy to work on the relationship, or they lack empathy for the other’s complaints, the prognosis for a happy outcome is poor.
When a woman finally takes a stand, it shouldn’t come as a surprise to their spouse. Researcher John Gottman reports that 80% of marital complaints are made by wives. This is true of both happy and unhappy marriages. Women are just more likely to express their complaints. The complaints in and of themselves isn’t the critical factor leading toward divorce. But what is critical is how the husband responds to those complaints. If he does not respond to the complaints well, there is an 81% chance that the marriage will self-destruct. Gottman notices that wives rarely respond to their husband’s complaints by increasing negativity. Most women will either match the negativity or tone it down. Men are much more likely to escalate the negativity. An example of a poor response to a complaint is defensiveness, stonewalling, counterattacks, and premature apologies meant to shut down the conversation. Obviously, none of these responses lead to the desired change that their wives are hoping for.
Women take a greater hit to their economic security upon divorce. To pursue divorce in the face of this hardship is an indication that they really want to get out. And here’s the thing. Divorced women often say they are happier after the divorce, even in face of financial constraints and emotional distress. A good number of women have no interest in remarrying.
So by the time a woman says she is considering a divorce, she has most likely expressed her discontent in multiple ways over time. If it is a surprise to her husband, it is not because she didn’t voice her feelings, but that he didn’t listen. And if he didn’t listen, they are unable to make the kinds of changes that will sustain a satisfying marriage for both of them.
John Gottman also found that husbands who accept their wive’s influence are four times less likely to divorce or have an unhappy marriage. So, if your wife lodges a complaint, find a way to meet the underlying need. If she asks for help, doing it in a timely manner really does improve marital satisfaction. If you find it difficult to listen, perhaps a marriage counselor can help. Get help sooner rather than later.