Should We Divorce?

There is often a feeling of uncertainty about divorcing. Professor Bill Doherty of the University of Minnesota developed a program to decrease the divorce rate. It is called the Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project. He believes that divorce happens because it is usually an attempt to solve a problem that people think can’t be solved in any other way. Some divorces are necessary in order to prevent further harm in a destructive relationship. Some divorces are ultimately unavoidable because one party decides on divorce despite the wishes of the other party. Some people behave destructively enough over a long time that they lose their spouse’s commitment.

There are cases in which a marriage is non-viable and should be terminated. Those are cases involving domestic abuse – emotional, physical or sexual; and cases in which the marriage is based on pre-tense and one partner is unaware, such as financial gain, status or sexual orientation.

There are as many reasons to divorce as stars in the sky. But there may also be as many reasons to stay together. Doherty also believes that many of today’s divorces could be prevented if both parties took steps to work on their marriage before it was too late. A survey of divorcing couples with children found that 30% of individual divorcing parents expressed ambivalence about whether divorce was the best option. They were not entirely sure if they should divorce, even while they were in the process of getting a divorce.

There are research based interventions that can repair a marriage. Dr. John Gottman, marital researcher, can predict which marriages will divorce. He also predicts which marriages will grow stronger over time and has techniques designed to bring out the best in a couple, such as increasing affection, appreciation, and time together such as a weekly date.

If you or a couple you know are uncertain about whether to proceed toward divorce, a marriage therapist can help.