Grief: Paying Our Respects
I saw a news article: “Funeral home offers drive-thru viewing parlor for those mourners who don’t want to come to a dead stop.” My initial reaction was horror. What? Drive thru funerals? How impersonal is that?
Have we become such a “fast food society” that even mourning is expected to be quick and efficient? I want to scream, “Get out of the car you lazy so-and-so. Stand with your community in solidarity with your grieving peers. Offer warmth and condolences.”
Upon further reading, however, I can grant them some positive function. This benefits the disabled or elderly relatives who might struggle to get into the building. It also allows people to have after-hours viewing and accommodates for weather. Additional service offerings are hearing the service via a phone or online streaming.
An important function of a funeral is community support to those left behind. Losing someone you love can be devastating. The single most important factor in healing from loss is having the support of other people. Funeral services bear witness to the life of the deceased through collective grieving. It is a ceremony for celebrating, respecting, and remembering the life of the deceased as a family, or community. It is a reminder that we are not alone; that we are still connected to others and that life continues. Without social connection, significant loss is overwhelming.
Grief is deeply personal and we should treat it as such. Some people feel awkward around others in grief and don’t know what to say. Sometimes you don’t need to say anything – perhaps a hug will do, or a kind gesture.
What I have learned is the following:
Bringing food to the family immediately following a death is an act of nurturing. It makes people feel cared for.
Don’t let your own issues with mortality, or your social awkwardness, prevent you from expressing sympathy. This isn’t about you. It is about the person in grief.
Sharing stories honors the deceased and is a participation in shared grief.
Grief doesn’t stop at the funeral and sympathy cards are welcome at any time.
The loss of a pet can be just as devastating as the loss of people and can teach us about the grief process. I was surprised at the gut wenching pain that followed my first dog’s death. Sascha’s death was my first experience of losing a loved one, and opened the door to the concept of mortality.
The loneliness of losing a long time spouse has untold consequences to the health and well-being of the living partner. My parents were married for 60 years. At my mother’s funeral I was given a piece of advice to visit my father each weekend for the first year. This man’s children took turns each weekend and he found it immensely helpful.
Older women can be a rich resource of compassion and understanding. I was surrounded by a group of women following an exercise class when they learned of my family member’s death. Each spontaneously shared a story of a significant loss: spouses, children, pets, some by illness, suicide or drugs. I was not alone in my sadness.
Don’t miss an opportunity to visit an elderly loved one.
Even a drive-thru viewing can be an act of kindness and respect.