The Effect of Divorce on an Eight-Year-Old

An old friend of mine asked a question regarding a divorcing couple with an eight-year-old son. This couple is not yet divorced and each is seeking custody. It is presumed that they are not living together and they each have time with their son separately. The husband has started dating. I was told that the father and his girlfriend are upset because his son doesn’t call him when his son is with his mother. He is also upset because his son doesn’t include Dad in school stories. They fear that the child does not care about his Dad’s feelings. My friend’s question is whether Dad and his girlfriend are expecting too much of this eight-year-old boy.

There are three issues here that I will address. The first is whether an eight-year-old is responsible for placing calls to his father. My presumption is that his wife is responsible for enforcing the son’s phone calls to Dad. The court will determine custody in accordance with the best interest of the child. One of the considerations of the court is “the willingness and ability of each parent to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing relationship between the other parent and the child.” If there is a pattern of behavior in which Dad lacks phone calls when his son is with his mother, Dad’s upset is justified, but not toward his son. It is in the child’s best interests for Mom to enforce the calls.

The second issue is the son’s emotions toward his father. Children at this age tend to be egocentric (focused on themselves) and most children want their parents to stay together. Beginning at age nine through early adolescence, children develop a sense of right and wrong. They may feel conflicted about who caused the divorce, and establish loyalties to one parent over the other. There may be conflicting feelings that are not expressed well. I wonder if this child might be angry or conflicted because he is not only dealing with a divorce, but also with Dad’s new relationship, while also wishing that his parents will reconcile. One way for this child to cope with these conflicting feelings might be anger, denial or repression, such as leaving Dad out of stories.

Finally, is the issue of whether Dad is expecting too much of his son. I understand Dad’s feelings of rejection and sympathize with him. But, Dad is the adult who needs to soothe his own emotions. Dad would be wise to examine his son’s transition and coping skills, convey an attitude of strength and competence while also attending to his son’s emotional needs. It would be counterproductive to instill guilt in his son who may already wonder if the divorce is somehow his fault. With consistent and frequent time together, good communication and demonstration of love and acceptance, they will likely get through this difficult time.

Mom’s House, Dad’s House, by Isolina Ricci is an excellent book for parents dealing with shared custody. She helps couples untangle their emotions and move toward a business model of shared parenting.