Grey Divorce

As a marriage counselor, I help couples navigate turbulent times. Sometimes they make the difficult decision to divorce. I’ve learned that there are two significant periods when couples divorce. Half of all divorces occur in the first seven years of marriage. Another wave of divorces occur after 20 years.

What one might find surprising is the number of divorces of people over the age of 50. Grey divorce is a term that refers to the increasing divorce rate for older “grey-haired” couples following long-lasting marriages. Think of Tipper and Al Gore and Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver as examples.

You might think that after 20 years, they have settled into mature love and have “worked the bugs out” so to speak. Couples in their late 50’s and 60’s should be enjoying grandchildren and looking forward to retirement. So why is this trend happening?

John Gottman, a marital researcher, sites a lack of marital friendship as cause for most divorces. 80% of people who divorce, say that they have grown apart. Gottman says “the principles that make a marriage work are surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren’t smarter or more beautiful than others, and they don’t live in castles in the clouds where there’s no conflict or negative feelings. They’ve simply learned to let their positive feelings about each other override their negative ones. They understand, honor, and respect each other. They know each other deeply and enjoy being together. They do little things every day to stay connected and to show each other they care. In short, they are friends.”

At any age, happy marriages are based on a foundation of friendship.