Can We Really Know Someone?
Have you heard of Anna Sorokin who pretended to be a wealthy German heiress? Her real name is Anna Delvey. She swindled friends and banks out of tens of thousands of dollars and was sentenced to prison, ultimately serving almost four years. She convinced friends and businesses to give her money to fund a lavish lifestyle by falsely claiming that her father was a diplomat or an oil baron and that she had a fortune of more than $60 million overseas. Before she was sentenced, she said, “I apologize for the mistakes I made.” Last month, she paid restitution to her victims using $320,000 she received from Netflix, which purchased the rights to adapt her life story into a limited series. And she signed a book deal. She’s a con artist who duped people out of their money and now continues on her way to enjoy the attention she sought all along.
We’re all susceptible to being duped. A con game starts with an emotional foundation that is laid before the game is started. We are caught by our own belief that this person is trustworthy. By the time we become suspicious, we are so emotionally or financially invested that we don’t want to see the truth. We are the best deceivers of our own minds.
We may discover information about our family members over time. Our family histories may include drug or alcohol addictions, deceased children, infidelity, prison time, serious illnesses, organized crime activity or gang membership, a second family, murders, gambling problems, enormous debts. Or, we may have these problems in our own lives and choose not to share them with others.
Confirmation bias is the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms our preferred beliefs. We unconsciously select information that supports our views and ignores non-supportive information. Confirmation bias is strongest for emotionally charged issues and deeply entrenched beliefs. We don’t want to know that we are wrong about people.
People are not always what they seem. We may not even know our closest friends or spouses. We may know what our spouse’s favorite color is; what food our best friend enjoys the most; and what makes our co-worker irritated. But do we actually know them? Maybe not. The Japanese say there are three sides of a face. First is the side that you share with the people around you. Second is the side which you want to hide from everyone. And third is the reflection of your truest nature. This is the side of yourself that you haven’t, or don’t want to, explore. Nobody knows the real you. And we don’t entirely know ourselves.
In my opinion, it is good advice to secure a background check on people for whom we will share our lives or important ventures. We should know these people’s criminal history and financial status. We need to find the skeletons they haven’t mentioned. We should be aware of skeletons before they take us by surprise. A premarital background check should be done by anyone who is marrying someone they met in adulthood.
A criminal check, a credit check, and a review of public records would’ve prevented people from being conned by Anna Delvey. Upon her release from prison, she made it known that she wants to move forward with her life. She is seeking someone to love. Would you trust her?