If You’re Busted, Tell the Whole Truth
Imagine that your partner catches you in an affair. Do you come clean with the truth, or attempt to do damage control by giving bits and pieces of information? To increase the chances of healing, don’t give staggered disclosure.
The pain of rejection can be devastating. Our brains are wired to respond the same when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain. In my opinion, the pain of infidelity is one of the worse experiences a human being can endure. It can cause PTSD with life-long effects. People who are emotionally traumatized experience the effects of a hyper-alert brain waiting for the next threat. Deception, broken promises, secrets, and discoveries, lying deliberately or by omission, create a trust wound. The victim will behave in ways they never thought themselves to be capable of. They may lose self-respect for their behavior. It is normal to react to infidelity with snooping, prying, questioning, pleading, threatening, and obsessing.
You may believe that withholding the entire truth is to protect your partner from further hurt or to protect yourself from negative consequences. But, with pressure and digging by your partner, more details are revealed over weeks and months. With each revelation, your partner has to re-experience the trauma all over again, knowing that the lies have continued and that you only become truthful when all else fails. With each discovery, the relationship becomes a little less salvageable.
Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts, by Carnes, Lee, and Rodriguez list 9 Stages of Deception:
- Suspicion – something doesn’t feel right
- Confrontation – you confront your partner
- Denial of Reality – they lie either overtly or covertly
- Investigation – you begin looking for evidence
- Accusation – hostile accusation and threats occur if the whole truth is not revealed immediately
- Staggered Disclosure – small bits of truth are revealed while withholding information
- Deception/Bullying – your partner becomes angry as a way of diverting or controlling you
- Ultimatum/Bargaining – you demand change once and for all
- Promises – promises are made but not necessarily kept
According to Linda Engelman, LMFT (Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist), when partners have been 100% truthful, fully incriminating themselves right from the start, the relationship could have been saved. “Surprisingly, a great many people can endure the pain of hearing awful truths – but many of those same people can NOT endure the agony of having to dig for those truths over and over again.”
Please don’t treat your partner callously. An affair may feel good at the moment, but have compassion. And when you are busted, tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Telling the absolute truth without omission, embellishment, or alteration will shorten the healing process.