Where Do You Draw the Line with Blood Sucking Relatives?

In an ideal world, family is our source of love, security, and loyalty. Family ties bind us in a way that other social ties do not. We will work harder to maintain relationships with the people with whom we share our lives. But sometimes, family members become a burden. They can feel like a financial drain that sponges off you or preys on you.

Imagine that you have a family member who struggles to be fully independent. They have consistently underachieved and been dependent on the family. Perhaps your parents have bailed them out financially due to an addiction, severe mental illness, or one bad decision after another. Most parents are unable to tolerate the fear of their child being homeless. And when your parents are unable to continue in this financial role, you wonder if you should take responsibility for that person. Is it a reasonable expectation for you to step into this role? And if so, where do you draw the line?

A friend confided in me, “My sister and I never got along when we were young, and as adults, I would estimate that 80% of our interactions have been painful.” In this case, her sister has an alcohol use disorder marked by periodic relapses and a checkered work history. Their parents supported her financially and gave her hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years. “My entire adult life, my mom told me, ‘You’ll have to take care of your sister when we are gone.’ ” The problem is that they had different opinions on what was best for her sister. My friend believes, “There are two kinds of people in the world – those who do what needs to be done, and those who won’t because they don’t want to – and I believe my sister is in the second category, with my parents enabling that behavior. My sister has made a lifetime of very bad choices, and my parents often buffered her from the consequences.”

Some decisions are easy. If 80% of your interactions have been painful, you would be happier if you stopped all contact. If there is a present danger of sexual, verbal, emotional, or physical abuse to children or elders, it is not only wise to cut them off, but there are societal safeguards in place to assist the process. You are not expected to make a consistent sacrifice in your well-being.

But life is not always black and white. It is complicated. We all like to feel generous, but none of us want to feel manipulated. If we understood the reason for their struggles, we might respond differently. One wonders about the source of their inability to care for themselves. Do they lack life skills to be fully independent? Is their underachievement a learned behavior? Is it a choice born out of laziness? Does this person have a personality disorder, or do they simply feel entitled to your assets? Or, is it the result of a disability? Generally speaking, we feel good about helping family members who have a disability. A disability may be a result of physical and/or mental illness and can include addictions.

The answers to these questions do not come easily. The answer could be one or more of the above. I recently advised a couple to insist on supporting documents, such as a budget and copies of bank statements, in exchange for paying their adult child’s rent, phone, and car insurance. Without documents, they had no basis for determining if their cash contribution was truly warranted. They had insufficient information on the nature and extent of her underemployment. For example, the nature and extent of a disability require a team of professionals to make a determination of disability to receive social security assistance. These may include physicians, psychiatrists, consultative examiners, and expert witnesses to provide disability reports. Before I will pay another person’s rent, I want to know what impairments are present and the degree of functional loss. What are they capable of?

When doing a mental health or substance abuse assessment, I tease apart high or low functioning abilities and high or low needs. If a client is both low functioning and has high needs, then they are appropriate for a higher level of treatment. The same assessment is useful in deciding on how much care you might want to provide to a family member who expects you to take care of them, give them money and bail them out.

You don’t owe your family anything. Anything that feels owed or obligated often comes at the price tag of guilt or resentment, so families should reconsider using ‘owe’ as a method to coerce people and start to use free choice and a sense of autonomy, which yields more gratitude and pleasant feelings.

I have never met anyone who decides to cut themselves off from their family lightly. This is a heartbreaking decision, and most people carry on with these relationships despite the pain they cause. You have a right to lead a happy life and to distance yourself from people—no matter who they are—who act in an abusive manner towards you. If you feel sure that there is nothing positive to be gained from the relationship, you will find relief in distancing from them. Because of the taboo around cutting ties with family, you can expect to feel guilty because what you have done is seen as morally wrong or extreme. Some people will tell you, “You’ve only got one family, even if they’re not perfect.”

Many people have experienced a great sense of relief when they ended a relationship with a family member. A 2015 study found that 80% of individuals who cut ties with a family member thought it had a positive effect on their lives. Study participants reported feeling “freer, more independent, and stronger.” The downside is that the same study found that individuals who were estranged from a parent or a child were also more likely to experience reduced levels of psychological well-being, feelings of loss, and difficulties associated with the stigma attached to their decision.