Friend or Foe?

Have you ever had the experience of running into a foe and found that you were surprisingly kind or gracious to them? They may have been a close personal friend who became your opponent. They might have been your lover who hurt you deeply through bad behavior. They might even have been your uncle who threatened to hire a hitman because he thinks he was treated unfairly in an inheritance. In fact, this person is not good for you and is best given distance. But there you are, with a smile and a wave, as if you are happy to greet them. What’s going on here?

We may still have a love-hate relationship. If elements of fondness remain, you may flip-flop between love and hate, periodically forgetting your well-placed anger. When we experience love and hate, we hold two contradictory beliefs at the same time. “We are in love but he left me” or “we are professional collaborators but they stole my work as their own”.  Cognitive dissonance occurs when people hold contradictory beliefs that make them internally uncomfortable. Discomfort is triggered by the person’s belief clashing with new information. For example, “he loves me but he hits me”. Both beliefs have had a place of truth, at least subjectively, in the mind of the person. When ideas or actions clash, we tend to choose one and forget the other. We may ignore or deny information that conflicts with existing or preferred beliefs. Some people resolve the dissonance by blindly believing whatever they want to believe.

Long after the bad deed has been done, and we’ve walked away from the person, we might still have an automatic positive response because of what John Gottman, Ph.D., and marital researcher, terms Positive Sentiment Override. If positive comments and behaviors outweigh negative ones (ideally 20:1), it means that there is a positive filter that causes couples to think of their partners with fondness and admiration. There’s a saying, “If you dislike someone, the way they hold their fork will make you furious. But if you like them, they can turn their plate over in your lap and you won’t even mind.” That’s because of Positive Sentiment Override. If however, negative comments and behaviors outweigh positive ones, Negative Sentiment Override takes hold, creating a negative filter that screens out the few positive events that exist. A focus on the other’s negative qualities, nurturing negative feelings, and recalling hurtful experiences will start or maintain the process of detachment.

Imagine that your professional colleague made you laugh at staff meetings. This positive recollection can initially override the negative association of his taking credit for your work. If you bump into them at a later time, you may have positive memories and associations that cause you to smile and wave. Then, negative recollections emerge, making you regret your warm greeting and grumble “I wish I had said or done such and such”.

If you find yourself welcoming a reunion with an old friend, lover, or colleague who has treated you in grossly unacceptable ways, you would be helped by reminding yourself of their potential harm.  Protect yourself.