A Nod and a Smile

I listened to, and enjoyed, a radio program, Stories From Across the Black Diaspora (thestoop.org, Feb 6 Episode 23: The Nod), that features the significance of a nod or smile among people of color. It is a silent “I see you” acknowledgment. It is black people’s solidarity nod given when they see another person who looks like them.

I’m a white city girl from Chicago, but I’ve noticed a similar pattern of acknowledgment. My parents purchased a home in Galena Territory, a resort community that was developed in the early 1970s. If I recall correctly, my parents purchased the 27th home built here. There are now 2,234 residences. I recall my father educating me on local etiquette. He greeted everyone who passed with a full-wave of one hand if he knew the person. If he didn’t recognize the passerby he would lift an index finger in acknowledgment. As one of 27 homes, there was a good chance he had either already met you, or would soon do so. I have followed that protocol since 1978. Greeting strangers doesn’t come naturally to most city dwellers, but I love the sense of camaraderie. This tradition continues to some degree, but occurs less often as the area has become more populated.

A successful greeting that is given and returned produces a surge of oxytocin that occurs during bonding, such as breastfeeding. It is a fuzzy sensation of connection. This happened to me when driving in the city. I allowed the car ahead of me to enter traffic. The driver gave me a wave of thanks. I instantly felt uplifted, almost giddy. I recall feeling puzzled that the acknowledgment meant so much to me. In some areas, the wave is customary etiquette. But in Chicago, it took me by surprise.

The way you greet people says a lot about you. It depends on the cultural context, family, social group, and personality. Greetings are a vital part of courtesy and goodwill. It demonstrates respect for your fellow human to acknowledge another’s presence. It can be offensive when you give a nod to someone and it is not returned.

Is it a rural phenomenon? City dwellers may feel overcrowded and attempt to reduce or limit social interaction. They may glance up quickly, give a perfunctory nod and a smile, or look right past another as if they don’t exist.

Is it a predominantly male gesture? Matt Isola (medium.com, Feb 13, 2018) believes the Man Nod is a universal greeting written into your DNA. It’s what men do to greet each other in public places. The “up” nod is given to familiar men as if to say “what’s up”. The “down” nod is given to unfamiliar men as if to say “I see you exist, but we aren’t cool enough for anything more than that”. An unspoken rule about the nod is that it is rarely followed by a verbal exchange.  It is not exclusive to men. Many women use it, but there is a higher rate of miscommunication between men and women who use it. Is it just a nod, or is it assumed to be a come-on?

Women will generally not accept the nod of acknowledgment and opt for a wave of the hand and/or a smile, perhaps even accompanied by words. And in my experience, women may deflect a nod, not wanting to draw attention to themselves through social acknowledgment. Women have too often been the objects of sexual speculation and violence.

Is it a dying gesture? One might think that technology has altered this custom by way of viewing our phones rather than our surroundings. Greetings are learned behavior. We would be wise to teach this gesture of goodwill. I’m an advocate of social connection. A simple gesture can make a positive difference in other people’s lives. Let’s increase oxytocin with a nod and a smile.

So, what about you? Do you greet others? Why or why not? What does it mean to you?