Do You Feel Sexually Mismatched with Your Partner?

I recently attended a workshop from the presenter, Lisa Elieson, who is a Texas Licensed Professional Counselor and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist. The workshop was titled, Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Couples.  Let’s face it, it is rare when two people have the exact same sexual appetite at the exact same time. Research shows that up to 80% of couples regularly experience situations where one partner wants to have sex and the other doesn’t (Day, Muise, Joe, & Impett, 2015).

Sexual desire discrepancy is the difference between the amount of sex one wants and the actual amount of sex one gets. Sexual satisfaction is a factor in overall relationship happiness. This difference is common among couples who seek sex therapy. By the time they enter therapy, they may have lost empathy or understanding for the other.

Among heterosexual people who are married, sexual desire and frequency of sex decrease as the length of marriage increases. Common causes of low desire are stress, life changes, body image, health and illness concerns, problematic sleep, the longevity of the relationship, and age. Sex appeal in American culture tends to favor youthful appearances such as smooth clear skin and taught bodies rather than aged skin. Biological changes, such as testosterone and estrogen levels, come with age. Sexual desire and frequency decrease with time. This is not to assume that older people forego sex. In fact, 63% of men aged between 80 and 102 years are sexually active.

Despite a common stereotype, it is not just women who want sex less often. One study found that in straight couples, 60% of the time the woman reported a higher sex drive than the man. 

Often, the person who has high desire makes a faulty assumption that their low desire partner has lost that loving feeling. A study of women found that the #1 reason women say no to sex is being too tired. The 20th reason that women say no is “I just don’t love him anymore”. (The top nine reasons that women say no to sex, in ranked order are, it’s late and/or getting up early in the morning; we have not connected emotionally; stressed; he’s been rude to me recently; I feel it’s all he wants me for; I don’t like how I look; he thinks everything is okay and it’s not; physical pain; it would take way too much time and effort to climax.)

We need to realize that normal sexual desire falls on a spectrum from low to high. It is not abnormal to have exceptionally high, low, or absent sexual desire. No one is “broken.” It is not likely that your partner is deliberately “withholding” sex from you, and this difference is not a choice meant to frustrate you.

So, what does sex therapy aim to do for the couple for which there is a problematic sexual difference? It addresses communication with the goal of understanding each other’s unique sexual needs. It addresses medical issues such as health causes for desire or performance problems. It addresses mindfulness to be present and in the moment. It can provide techniques such as a sensate focus on non-anxiety producing touch in graduated episodes. Therapy can help couples come up with activities inside and outside the bedroom to make their relationship more interesting.

Sexual discrepancy can cause intense conflict and great emotional pain between people who love each other. It is important to normalize and depathologize variation in sexual desire. We benefit from education about the natural course of sexual desire. We owe it to ourselves and our partners to challenge myths and stop making false assumptions that result in anger.

Help is available. If you struggle with this problem, I recommend that you find a professional therapist who is also an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist.