Does he/she deserve forgiveness?
This week Ariel Castro was sentenced to life in prison plus 1,000 years for kidnaping and physically, sexually and emotionally abusing three women over an eleven-year period. In spite of evidence of extreme abuse, he took no accountability for his actions. He created and maintained a world view in which he was “a normal guy.”
One of the victims said “I can forgive you but I will never forget.” Does Castro deserve forgiveness?
You may have been told that you “should” forgive and forget, that forgiveness is a healthy response to violation. But does everyone deserve to be forgiven? And under what circumstances? What if they are not repentant? What if you can’t, or don’t want to, forgive? How can you accept the offense and move forward in a healthy manner? All these issues are addressed in a book by Janis Abrahms Spring, How Can I Forgive You? This is the only book I’ve read on forgiveness that is not just fluff.
You may have suffered wrong-doing in your own life, on a smaller scale and struggled over whether to forgive others. Sometimes you may choose to distance or cut off from the person who wronged you. Janis Abrahms Spring suggests that you have the moral freedom to refuse forgiveness and that forgiveness should not be too easily given. She states that you aren’t responsible for the harm that was done to you, but you are responsible for your own recovery. She suggests the following steps toward acceptance:
1. Acknowledge your emotions
2. Give up your need for revenge but continue to seek a just resolution
3. Stop obsession about the injury and reengage with life
4. Protect yourself from further abuse
5. Frame the offender’s behavior in terms of their own personal struggles
6. Look honestly at your own contribution to the injury, if any
7. Challenge your false assumptions about what happened
8. Look at the offender apart from their offense, weighing the good against the bad
9. Carefully decide what kind of relationship you want with the offender
10. Forgive yourself for your own failings
As you address each of these steps, you empower yourself and make peace with the past.