Feeling Alone and Lonely?

Many people are feeling the strain of being isolated. We didn’t expect Covid restrictions to last this long. The pandemic has kept people apart. Populations that were not used to being alone, like children and teenagers, may have been cut off from their social networks. Family members are often isolated from each other. Many individuals have died from COVID-19, often without family. About 36% of Americans reported feeling “serious loneliness” in the wake of the pandemic, according to Loneliness in America, a recent report by Harvard University.

By the US Census Bureau’s latest count, there are about 36 million solo dwellers, and together they make up 28 percent of U.S. households. Declining marriage rates are contributing to the rise in people who live alone, but so too is the fact that more seniors are becoming widows or widowers. Yet, loneliness is not necessarily the result of being alone.

Close friends are important, but research shows that building networks of casual acquaintances can boost happiness, knowledge, and a sense of belonging. In 1973, Mark Granovetter, a sociology professor at Stanford University, published a paper entitled The Strength of Weak Ties. Until then scholars had assumed that an individual’s well-being depended on the quality of relationships with close friends and family. You have an inner circle of people whom you often talk to and feel close with, and an outer circle. Granovetter named these categories “strong ties” and “weak ties.” His central insight was that for new information and ideas, weak ties are more important to us than strong ones. The coronavirus pandemic shrinks our weak ties. People with larger networks of weak ties tended to be happier overall. As an example of a weak tie, I frequent our local Subway drive-through so often that the staff knows that I don’t want napkins and I will have my own cup ready for a refill. I know when my favorite server will be on vacation, and I know that his baby turned one year old this week. Yet, we don’t know each other’s names. I’m valued as one of their “regular customers.” We should continue to try and find ways to cultivate weak-tie and strong-tie relationships, in lockdown and beyond.

Negative social pressures around being alone have decreased. You don’t have to get married or have a child as a prerequisite for a fulfilling life. As an aside, Pope Francis says choosing pets over kids is selfish. In response, the reaction on social media was heated. “Is the Vatican gonna pay daycare?”, one Twitter user asked. Some dog owners are dressing their dogs in papal costumes. Others would even argue that it is selfish to have children given overpopulation.

According to Bryan Lufkin in “The rise of Japan’s ‘super solo’ culture,” being seen alone in social settings is has been destigmatized. A decade ago, many Japanese were so embarrassed to be seen eating alone in the school or office cafeteria that they’d opt to eat in a bathroom stall. Appearing friendless was unacceptable. But many think Japan is changing. Instead of hiding in toilet stalls, people are stepping out and embracing being seen solo. From dining, to nightlife, to travel, even karaoke, new options catering specifically to individuals have popped up in recent years. It’s known as the “ohitorisama” movement: people choosing to do things alone.

Being alone and being lonely are two different things. It’s actually relatively common to feel alone in a marriage. According to a 2018 AARP national survey, one in three married people over the age 45 report being lonely. “Some people may wonder how it’s possible to feel alone when you share a home, and spend so much time together, often in the same room. But it really has nothing to do with physical proximity – it’s about emotional connection”, according to the Gottman Institute. Learn how to battle marital loneliness by listening to this podcast from The Gottman Institute: “Small Things Often” www.gottman.com/podcast.

So, what can we do to minimize loneliness? Make an effort to be emotionally connected to others. Stay in touch with friends and family through phone, Zoom, and Facebook. Although in-person relationships are always better than virtual ones, virtual ones are better than nothing. The worst thing to do when lonely is to completely isolate and not talk to anyone. Reach out: ask, listen, encourage, and check-in with others.