Finding True Love

As a Marriage & Family Therapist, people come to me for counseling to improve their relationships. As I reflect on the 20+ years that I have been a therapist, I would say those single women in their late 20s and early 30s comprise a large population of people who seek therapy. Why? They are unhappy with being single, and often feel that there is something wrong with them because they are not married.

There has been a stigma in our society against single women. In the past, single women have been labeled “spinsters.” One study identified single women with no children the most “pitied” group of people compared to married men and women. There appears to be a shift in thinking about marriage, as indicated by the age of marriage being delayed.

In counseling single women, I find that they often believe that they repeatedly choose the wrong person to date, as if they deliberately seek unsuitable partners. This is rarely the case. I tell these women that they are not psychic. They can’t know the outcome of any particular dating experience. And I tell them that dating is a process in which you are getting to know the other. Dating is a number’s game. Finding a person to share the rest of your life with only happens once or twice in a lifetime. You have to meet lots of poor matches before you meet a keeper.

No one likes to be rejected or to reject others, but dating is the process in which you part ways with someone who is not a good match. There is no shame in the dating process and there is not something wrong with you if you find a poor match. If you find a poor match, I hope that you have the strength to part ways sooner rather than later, and move onto the next person.

There is a saying that “there is a lid for every pot.” As I look around to see couples who have found their “lid” I come to the conclusion that finding true love is not about being pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough or having enough money. It is about finding a suitable match.

And what if you never find that lifetime keeper? Life can still be fully satisfying and immensely meaningful. Social connections keep us psychologically and medically healthy and can lead to a longer life span. But those connections can be found through friendships and extended family, not only through marriage.