Finding True Love: Part III
In my previous articles on finding true love, I made the point that dating is a number’s game and that you have to meet lots of people before finding the right match. So what makes for a good match?
In western cultures we want chemistry, compatibility and commitment. Chemistry has to do with sexual attraction, physical affection, and romance. Compatibility has to do with getting along well, having fun, being able to share your feelings and talk openly with your partner, and being mutually supportive. Commitment has to do with trusting your partner to be faithful, honesty, providing financial support, spending time as a couple with family and friends and making a permanent commitment. Pair bonding includes romantic, committed love, beyond an initial attraction.
Sexual desire has more to do with hormones than harmony. Infatuation is not love and is time limited. Brain chemistry of noreprenephine and dopamine create interest, energy, curiosity, euphoria, lowered defenses and elevated libido. With a surge of these chemicals it is easy to confuse infatuation with love. When infatuation ends, as it always does, you are at a crossroad of terminating the relationship or moving toward true love. At this stage, there is an opportunity to develop love by weathering life’s bumps and bruises together.
Wise couples will wait at least a year and a half before deciding to marry. It is important that the brain chemistry stabilizes in order to see your partner without rose colored glasses. Some people are unprepared for marriage and feel that “this is not the person I got engaged to” when the chemical surge fades. Staying in love requires information, knowledge, relationship skill and maturity.
Some people are more adept at attachment than others. An excellent resource is a book Attached by Levine and Heller. They discuss adult attachment styles that determine how we behave in love relationships. Those styles are Anxious, Avoidant and Secure. Anxious people are preoccupied with their relationships and worry about their partner’s ability to love them back. Avoidant people try to minimize closeness. Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. Our attachment styles are rooted in early childhood experiences or significant events (good and bad) over time. Understanding your own and your partner’s attachment style can help you find or improve your love relationship.