Friendships: A Reason, A Season, or a Lifetime

My sister was telling me about her circle of friends. Apparently, two of them had a falling out and aren’t speaking right now. This conflict makes it awkward for the rest of them when they get together. They don’t want to take sides and they don’t want to cause hurt feelings by excluding either or both of them from events. My sister prefers they “just get over it” and be cordial at future events.

My sister made a good point when she has said that a friend is either for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Some friendships form for a specific reason such as a shared interest. Examples of this might be a sports team or a work project. Some friendships last a season; a time limited shared experience such as college. Lifetime friends have stayed in contact over the years. Special friends can pick up the phone after long periods of absences and reconnect as if it were yesterday.

Friendships end for many different reasons. Sometimes friends move away from each other and are forced to move on due to distance. Sometimes divorce causes an end as people side with one or the other. At a younger age, friendships may end as a result of joining new social groups as they develop new interests or hobbies. Or sadly, there might be envy, sexual jealousies, mental illness, betrayal of confidences, childhood disputes and old resentments. Perhaps you find that you no longer share basic values or no longer admire the other’s personality traits. Some people become toxic to be around and are best avoided.

Friendships may end by fading quietly away or may end suddenly and in a hurtful manner. I tend to think of friends belonging to an A, B or C list in which the closest friends are on the A list. I think there is some wisdom in graciously allowing your friendships to change over time. You might find some fluidity as friends move between the A, B and C lists. My sister’s circle of friends will adapt to the loss of frequent contact with their A list member. A healthy system will allow for alterations and wish each other well as they change.

I believe my sister is right to hope for cordial exchanges at future events. We are all social creatures. Abraham Maslow, psychologist, developed a theory of human needs based upon a hierarchy of five levels. After physiological and safety needs are fulfilled, the third level of human needs is interpersonal and involves feelings of belongingness. Humans need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance among social groups. We need to love and be loved for optimal health and happiness. We become susceptible to loneliness, social anxiety and depression in the absence of love or belonging. We do ourselves and our friends good when we loosen our grip and allow for change, when done in a spirit of love. I like the concept of “blessing and releasing” friendships that no longer serve us.