Good Enough Sex
Did you know that sexual problems are more common than anxiety, depression and alcohol abuse? Barry McCarthy, Ph.D. states that healthy sexuality is an important aspect of couples happiness. If sex is satisfying, it adds an additional 15-20% overall relationship satisfaction. However, overall relationship satisfaction decreases 75% with lack of sexual intimacy. Healthy sexuality plays a positive role in your relationship in that it energizes your bond and generates feelings of desire and desirability.
We each secretly wonder how we compare to other couples in the bedroom. What is the norm of sexuality frequency? The average frequency of sexual intercourse is from four times a week to once every two weeks. For couples in their twenties, it averages two to three times per week. For couples in their fifties, it is once to twice per week. Most sex before age 50 is better for men; after 50 it is better for women.
Do fireworks and passion last throughout a lifetime? The initial romance and passion phase lasts less than two years and often less than six months. One in five married couples has sex less than 10 times per year. One in three non-married couples who have been together two years or longer has a non-sexual relationship. You may have heard some people say “I love my partner, but I’m not in love.” This is not an indication of a poor relationship, but is an indication that they no longer find their partner erotic. The challenge in this case is to increase eroticism.
But most often, sexual satisfaction has less to do with highly charged eroticism and more to do with giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touch. Touching occurs both inside and outside the bedroom. It is valued for itself and does not always lead to intercourse. Couples who maintain a vital sexual relationship maintain five types of touch: affectionate (such as cuddling while watching TV), sensual (such as a back rub) ; playful (such as romantic dancing or touching in the shower); erotic (manual or oral stimulation); and pleasurable touch that leads to intercourse.
“Good enough sex” means that sex doesn’t always have to be mutually satisfying leading to orgasm for both. Connection and pleasure are more important than performance. A sexual experience is best measured by pleasure and satisfaction, not whether you functioned as a sexual god/goddess in the bedroom. Some sexual experiences will be great for both, some better for one than the other, some mediocre, and others dissatisfying or dysfunctional. Do not put your sexual self esteem on the line at each experience.
Barry McCarthy has written several books regarding sexuality. I recommend Sexual Awareness and Rekindling Desire for more information. If you find that unsatisfying sexual intimacy is causing significant problems in your relationship, you may benefit from professional intervention.