How to Co-parent with a Difficult Ex
We can’t change the fact that people divorce. But too often, divorce is poorly handled, causing hardship to children. However, children from divorced homes can adapt in a healthy manner if the parents are able to work together. According to a new study by Robert Bauserman in the March Journal of Family Psychology children in joint custody fare better than children in sole custody. According to Bauserman, joint custodial parents have fewer and milder conflicts than sole custodial parents. This may be because parents who choose to share custody have better relationships than those who don’t. The lesson to be gained from this study is that whether you have joint or sole custody, parents need to work together.
As a marriage counselor, I’ve seen couples that are able to be emotionally mature, negotiate and even act kindly toward each other. But I’ve also seen horrible divorces in which one or both parties cannot set aside anger and vengeance. If you find your ex-spouse too difficult to work with, it is advised that you emotionally detach from them, build a business relationship and keep children out of the war-zone.
A marital breakup is most often accompanied by an emotional roller coaster as you worry about your survival. A flight or fight response is typical as you uncouple your finances, housing, belongings and time with your children. Calm yourself and detach emotionally from your partner before making permanent legal decisions. Be careful that you don’t use the legal system to unleash your emotions and don’t fight a legal process that you can’t control. Thinking and believing the worst about each other can lead to serious complications.
People can move from intimacy to a working relationship. Shift gears and move toward a business model in which you operate with written agreements and formal information. Think of a working relationship as something brand new, to be built from the ground up. You don’t return to the way you related before. Use principles of good communication and negotiation skills. This can be an effective, kind and rational road to emotional and economic recovery for the family.
Children who do best after a separation are those who have access to both parents, feel loved and wanted in each home and are not used as pawns between parents. Children should not have to struggle with a conflict of loyalty and should not have their lifestyle dramatically altered. Children are affected by the way their parents function. When adults are not functioning well or are behaving poorly, children are negatively effected. Keep them out of the war zone.
Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Shared Custody Work by Isolina Ricci is an excellent resource for parents considering divorce.
2 Comments
dismay2elate
October 31, 2013This blog really hits home for me. I have sole custody over my son and always have His father was a drug adict and abusive alcoholic. He had supervised visitation until our son was 6 years old. He finally is working to get his life back on track. He was awarded full visitation back from the court system and sees our son 2 days a week, he gets to pick the days that work best for him. He finally began paying child support but refused to adhear to the order that is in place otherwise. He continues to drink and takes our son with him to keg parties. Also, has began getting comfortable with smoking weed around our son. My son told his teacher at school this and it was put on his record at wake county public schools. I am left with nothing in the end though, even when I try to take this to court they do a drug test that he will pass everytime and then I have no proof that these things are actually happening. I spent over 5k with a private detective that just got thrown out of court by his attorney. It’s sad because I am forced to just think well, at least it’s not crystal meth. On top of all of this my son’s father acts so entitled and tells our son things like, “i can’t believe your mom would ground you, that’s mean, i would never do that, it doesn’t work anyway.” or “please come trick or treating with me, you never do and it’s not fare”. My son is so conflicted about his relationship with me that it breaks my heart. How can a nonexisting parent just decide to finally come back into a childs life after 6 years and try to build a relationship with the child by debasing the already existing one he has with me. Shouldn’t they try to rebuild their relationship base on trust and communication with the other parent?? You can’t make someone do that though, can you. It’s a very unfortunant situation for any child to go through. It is also gross and lacks a lot of class for someone to go out of their way and spend all of their energy on something like this. If they spend half the time they do being cruel and vendicitive, actually trying to be a good parent and communicating, we might actually get started in the right direction.
It is difficult to work with a parent that is not willing to work with you…
gabbert2013
November 1, 2013You raise some good points and legitimate concerns about your son’s father’s behavior. Drug use, in front of your son, is not OK. But as you said, also not subject to legal intervention if he passes a drug test. It is worthwhile to document your concerns for future reference, if needed. Although this is a very difficult situation, and you can’t change him, you can feel good about doing the right thing for your son. Taking the high road will ultimately benefit your son.