Is It Anger or a Sign of Domestic Abuse?
A young woman posed a question on Facebook recently. “What are the signs that a man will be and could be abusive?” She goes on to imply that her (presumed) boyfriend punched walls and broke things during an argument that occurred between them. She received the obvious response “if he punches you in the face.” But other responses showed more insight such as separating you from others, they make decisions that are yours to make, they make you feel that you are not good enough, or they tell you no one can love you like they can. Other insights are that abuse can come in the form of demeaning behavior such as belittling you, shouts down to you, and uses power plays.
The woman who posed the question thinks that punching walls and breaking “sh..t” in the middle of an argument is reason to believe someone could be abusive. She doesn’t think that they necessarily are abusive, but this kind of behavior is a sign that abuse could come.
It is important to distinguish between an anger management problem and domestic abuse. Punching walls and breaking items could be a sign of poorly managed anger. People with anger problems tend to have angry outbursts across the board. For example, they will have outbursts in a number of settings such as work, home and in public. Batterers of domestic violence may not have an anger problem per se, but use emotions like anger to gain power and control in a particular relationship. So one has to ask whether this person is acting in this manner in a number of settings, or just with you.
In the case of the young woman who is posing the question, I suspect that her boyfriend is attempting to manipulate her for power and control. He is purposefully using angry behavior as a tool for his own purpose. I make this assumption because the outburst occurred during an argument that was directed at her, rather than a random act of anger directed at someone other than her.
There are significant differences in the treatment of poorly managed anger and programs designed to treat domestic violence. In anger management programs, anger is viewed as the primary problem. The focus is on managing the emotion. Abusive anger is seen as loss of control and the problem is seen as a personal mental health issue.
In a program for domestic violence batterers, abuse and control are viewed as the primary problem. The focus of the program is to change the beliefs and behavior, not the emotion. Abuse is seen as an attempt to take control, rather than losing control. It is viewed as a social and relational problem, not a mental health issue.
Her friends admonished her to be wary. There are many warning signs most overlook. If a person has a feeling that a person could be abusive, don’t wait until something bad happens. Some feel that if you have to ask the question, then it might be a sign and you should trust your intuition.
One person shared a bit of wisdom on relationships. She believes that time will tell if there may be abuse. Never take a relationship to the next level, a.k.a. move in together, until you’ve been happy together for a minimum of two years. That way, if there is an abusive quality in the relationship, it will likely show itself. This seems like sound advise, but it is not necessarily a protective factor. Some people may become abusive later in a relationship.
As a community, we tend to believe what we see, and as a result we put emphasis on bruises, broken bones, ER visits and other signs of physical abuse. To someone unfamiliar with abuse, it is easy to assume that the abuser lost control of their anger, rather than believe that they used anger as a tool. We don’t look often enough at the soft signs of abuse that are used in order to exert power and control over another. By soft signs, I don’t imply that they are not equally hurtful to the victim. In fact, some people would rather be hurt physically than endure the unrelenting effort of their partner to control their thoughts, feelings and actions with threats, intimidation, isolation or economic coercion. It is always associated with fear and even terror on the part of the battered person.
Abuse and violence can happen to anyone, anytime. For that reason, it is important to have a knowledge of domestic violence and abuse symptoms. Abuse can be physical, emotional, sexual and economic. The Duluth Model of Domestic Abuse Intervention Project created Power and Control Wheels to describe abusive beliefs and behaviors. Familiarize yourself with the wheels. It may help you identify signs of abuse, and exit an unhealthy relationship. They can be found at www.theduluthmodel.org.