Life Skills for a Successful Relationship

In my work as a Marriage & Family Therapist, I often tell couples that in order to have a successful relationship, one needs three basic skills: the ability to soothe your own anger, the ability to calm your own anxiety and the ability to give and take love. Relationships suffer when any of these three ingredients are absent.

Each of us is born with a unique personality and temperament that influences how we experience and express emotions. Our families provide role modeling for the management of emotion. And our peer groups influence emotional expression. All of these merge to create a personal style of handling emotions such as anger, anxiety and love. Sometimes our styles are not conducive to healthy relationships.

Frequent and intense angry outbursts are destructive to the fabric of marriage. If one lacks the ability to soothe their own anger, they may have unrealistic expectations of their partner, wanting them to soothe them. Often, their partner gets it wrong, leading to escalating conflict.

Anxiety within a marriage may be expressed as jealousy, insecurity, an excessive need for reassurance or a high need for control. If one lacks the ability calm themselves, they will expect their partner to know what to say or do to calm them. Again, if the partner gets it wrong, this will lead to increased conflict.

If one is unable to give and take love, the relationship is doomed to die. Healthy relationships are built upon a foundation of mutually satisfying affection and positive regard. Although relationships come together for a variety of reasons, such as having children or financial security, long term successful relationships stay together when they love and feel loved by the other.

It is not fair to dump our emotions on our partners and expect them to fix it. We are all responsible for our own emotion, even within a marriage. If we are in a loving relationship, our partners most likely want to help soothe us because they care, but we are ultimately responsible for ourselves. They are not psychic and do not know exactly what to say or do at any particular time, and may get it wrong in spite of good intentions. And they have their own, imperfect, ways of handling their own emotions that might be triggered in defense.

A rule of thumb in couples communication is to soothe yourself before communicating your upsetting feelings. Find ways to soothe yourself by developing a repertoire of relaxation skills. It may be taking a time out, deep breathing, taking a walk, meditation, prayer, distraction, or counting backwards from 100. Experiment with various techniques that work for you. When you are able to have a reasonably calm conversation, then respectfully talk to your partner about what is causing you such upset.