Making Amends
Actor, Stephen Collins of 7th Heaven, expressed remorse for molesting three under-aged girls. These actions occurred between 20-40 years ago and were brought to the attention of the public recently during the course of his divorce. “Forty years ago, I did something terribly wrong that I deeply regret. I have been working to atone for it ever since.” He said he struggled over whether to apologize directly to the women who were involved. He did in fact apologize to one woman who is reported as receiving it graciously. But he has not apologized to the other two for fear that it might make things worse for them by opening old wounds.
So how does he atone for his actions without directly apologizing and making amends to his victims?
The Twelve Step tradition offers suggestions for making amends. People who become addicted to substances may behave in unethical, illegal and immoral ways to support their addiction. They have likely hurt a number of people and relationships along the way. Apologies are not enough. Recovery calls for making amends to the people they’ve hurt in order to restore justice. The idea is to restore in a direct way that which they have broken or damaged; either symbolically or in action.
The Twelve Step “Big Book” recommends that amends are made to people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. This may be what Stephen Collins was referring to when he learned that his apology might open old wounds.
Collins made an assumption that his victims will be further harmed by his apology. It may or may not be the case. He denies them a choice by not initiating contact. If he offers contact to apologize, and the contact is not welcome, then he will have still acknowledged his error.
As thoughtful as it sounds to not want to open old wounds, it lets him off the hook. He needs to look his victim in the eye, feel the shame of his actions, hear what his actions created in the victim, and ask if he can make up for it in some way. Only then can he make things right with someone he wronged.
It is said that his first apology was graciously received. The media has not mentioned whether he offered restitution. Perhaps the victims would want financial compensation; or want him to donate to sexual assault prevention; or a myriad of other expressions of remorse. But the process is not complete until he attempts to make it right with each victim.