Sex Addiction: Don’t Be Bill Clinton

In my last article, I wrote about sexual abuse using Donald Trump as a case study because it is a rare opportunity to have audio tapes of unguarded words that reflect a person’s beliefs and behavior. In this article, I’d like to discuss a related but separate problem, that of sex addiction. To be fair to those who were offended by my choice to use Mr. Trump as an example of sex abuse, I will use Bill Clinton as an example of behavior that can be described as typical of sex addiction. This study is based upon legal testimony as found in the Starr Report as well as other anecdotal allegations. It was said that he pursued hundreds of prostitutes during his time as state governor. He has been accused by multiple women of sexual misconduct, including one allegation of rape.

Bill Clinton’s actions follow patterns that are typical of sex addiction. So what is sex addiction? Sex addiction follows the same principles of any addiction. In short, addiction is seen as ongoing behavior in spite of negative consequences and an inability to stop once you start. However, with sex addiction there is sexual activity that produces a rush of adrenalin. It is a disorder characterized by compulsive behaviors, obsessive and mental preoccupation with sexual thoughts and acts. And it is often marked by denial and minimization. Sex addicts do not necessarily become sex offenders or sex abusers. And, not all sex offenders are sex addicts. People who suffer from sex addiction may face health risks, shattered relationships or even arrest. President Clinton’s behaviors caused him to come close to presidential impeachment. It is hard to imagine consequences more destructive than that.

President Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky was consensual by her own accounts. This relationship is less about sexual abuse and more about sex addiction. Their relationship was more about sex than intimacy. In fact after their first sexual encounter she felt the need to remind him of her name. It was said that they had their first lengthy and personal conversation after their sixth sexual encounter. He viewed Ms. Lewinsky as a sexual object. She questioned the President. “I asked him why he doesn’t ask me any questions about myself, and . . . is this just about sex . . . Or do you have some interest in trying to get to know me as a person?”
They spoke by phone and had phone sex but saw each other infrequently. It seems that it was a matter of convenience for President Clinton based upon his needs and was not mutually satisfactory. Ms. Lewinsky made multiple attempts to visit Clinton that were rebuffed.

Sex addition is fostered within secrecy. He was initially able to maintain his sexual behavior with the help of Secret Service officers and his secretary who attempted to conceal it from his wife and from the public. Clinton sometimes called Ms. Lewinsky from trips when his wife was not accompanying him.

Clinton demonstrated an inability to stop. According to Ms. Lewinsky, the President explained that he had had hundreds of affairs earlier in his marriage, but since turning 40 he made a concerted effort to be faithful. He was not able to stop himself in spite of his best intention. He also told Ms. Lewinsky “I’m trying not to do this and I’m trying to be good.” And yet, he only temporarily ceased this sexual relationship.

He was purposefully deceitful to cover his behavior. He and Ms. Lewinsky had a lengthy conversation about a cover story should they ever be questioned. If questioned, Ms. Lewinsky should say that the two of them were just friends. If anyone ever asked about their phone sex, she should say that they knew their calls were being monitored all along, and the phone sex was just a put-on.

A common coping mechanism of people who struggle with addiction is rationalization, minimization, and outright denial. Clinton denied under oath that he and Lewinsky ever had any sexual relations and claimed he couldn’t recall any instances in which the two were alone. He rationalized that because they did not engage in sexual intercourse with genital penetration, they did not have sex. He hid behind a cloaked definition of sex.

The underlying reasons for sex addiction rarely have much to do with sex per se. Much more often the person who struggles is using sexual behaviors as a coping mechanism to deal with deeper issues. For example, he told Ms. Lewinsky “I have an empty life except for my work.”

Former president Gerald Ford thought Bill Clinton was a sex addict that needed treatment. “He’s sick, he’s got an addiction” he said. Ford was stunned by his lack of contrition and saw it as a character flaw.

I asked Mark, a member of Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), what he advises to people who exhibit symptoms of sex addiction. He said “People almost never seek help for sexual addiction except out of desperation, when the consequences of their problem behaviors are doing too much damage to be tolerable any more.” He advises that if you can’t stop these actions on your own, you need to reach out for help beyond yourself. “The good news is that you don’t have to stay trapped in self-destructive behavior patterns. There is nothing shameful in admitting you have a problem that you need help to deal with. What’s shameful is subjecting yourself and the people you care about to further damaging consequences because you are too afraid to admit you need help. A twelve-step fellowship like SAA can provide understanding, support and proven tools for bringing problem sexual behaviors under control. Working the twelve-step program conscientiously with an experienced sponsor will help bring to light the underlying issues that are driving this compulsive behavior and guide and support you in finding new and healthy patterns of living that are satisfying and sustainable. If you doubt that this is possible, you can talk to many people in the SAA fellowship who have gotten their lives back as a result of this program. If you’re not ready to try it now, keep an eye on the consequences that hit you down the road, and see if you don’t reach a point where admitting you need help is easier than suffering any more of the harm you are doing to yourself.”