So What’s the Big Deal About Porn?

The U.S. has suffered many epidemics such as smallpox, yellow fever, polio, and HIV/AIDS. Utah Governor, Gary Herbert is concerned about a new health crisis: Pornography. He signed a resolution calling for additional research and policy changes to combat the “pornography epidemic that is harming the citizens of Utah and the nation.” He believes porn creates a sexually toxic environment. The resolution states that pornography equates violence toward women and children, and equates sex with pain and pleasure. It increases the demand for sex trafficking, prostitution, child sexual abuse images and child pornography. He may have reason to be concerned because one study found that Utah residents are the highest per capita purchasers of online porn in the U.S. The resolution does not impose a ban or punishment for possessing it. The Governor wants Utah kids to understand the harmful and addictive habits of porn to our society. Is he overstating his case, or is it truly harmful?

Marriage counselors have held different opinions about the use of pornography in a relationship. Some believe that the use of porn is neutral or can even be beneficial to increase connection. If a couple uses porn to increase intimacy, and they both agree to read or view porn together, it can be helpful. In my practice as a marriage counselor, this may be true, but I find that porn use can also be devastating to one party who feels betrayed and offended by it. Often one partner suffers broken trust in what they thought was a monogamous partnership, and they perceive porn to include an unwanted influence. The use of porn sometimes causes irreparable harm to the marriage.

Men sometimes feel that their partner is overreacting to the porn. After all, they only looked at porn, they didn’t actually engage in sex with someone else. (Although porn sometimes escalates to in-person hook-ups.) They are baffled by their partner’s reaction. They don’t understand why their partners now feel inadequate in the bedroom.

According to a marital researcher, John Gottman Ph.D., there are in fact reasons to believe that porn can be harmful. Research on the use of porn shows that it is especially harmful if one person frequently views online porn. Porn threatens intimacy in several ways. Normal couple sexual activity can become less interesting for the porn user who views higher levels of stimulation and diversity through porn images. The use of porn by one partner leads to decreased sexual activity in the couple relationship and reduces relationship satisfaction. When one person is accustomed to masturbating to porn, they are aroused by the images rather than by their partner, causing them to turn away from their spouse. The person who watches porn is in control of their experience, and may create unrealistic expectations of their partner.

John Gottman agrees with Governor Herbert on the dangers of porn to women. Many porn sites are violent in nature and are abusive or manipulative toward the women featured in the porn film. Some people believe that the porn industry is purposefully targeting children and adolescents to entice them to become frequent users. This is especially damaging because children’s brains are not fully developed.

For all these reasons, pornography poses a threat to couple’s relationships. It is a big deal and needs to be treated as such. Safeguard your marriage by engaging in discussion about porn and the parameters of its use in your relationship.