Substance Abuse: Are You Enabling Them or Loving Them?

Addiction Campuses is a substance abuse treatment center with locations throughout the US. Among their marketing materials, they have a poster entitled “Enabling Addiction: Are You Loving Someone to Death?” They contend that “Enabling your loved one can put them in their grave.”

They have some helpful guidelines on the difference between enabling and loving. You enable your alcohol or drug user by giving them money because they may use that money to support their substance abuse. You may want to provide them with a car in order to get to work, but that car can be used to access substances. You may want to pay their phone bill in case of emergencies and to keep in touch, but a phone also makes for easy connection to a drug dealer. The person you love may be faced with homelessness. Bringing them into your home gives them a place to abuse substances. You may want to use your own financial resources to bail them out of jail. But that keeps them from suffering the consequences of their own behavior.

Instead of engaging in these enabling behaviors, Addiction Campuses recommends that you love them by answering the phone when they call. Give them food. Meet them at a restaurant and treat them to a meal. This allows you to stay in contact. Tell them how much you love them. Ask them if they are ready for treatment. Educate yourself on substance abuse and do research on treatment options.

Addiction Campuses suggests that you offer to get them started in treatment. “Paying for rehab is better than paying for a funeral.” But treatment costs can be exorbitant. I’ve heard of 28 day inpatient program fees at $30,000 – $150,000. And substance abusers don’t always start recovery after the first treatment. The average number of treatment attempts before attaining drug abstinence is six.

While all this is sound advice, it seems to me that it goes too far to say that enabling will put your loved one in the grave. Aren’t they ultimately responsible for putting themselves in harms way? In my opinion, enabling doesn’t put them in the grave. They get there themselves.

I asked a group of people who are in recovery from opiates (pain pills or heroin), “What would have made a difference to help you to stop abusing substances?” Everyone agreed that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. There was nothing you could say or do to convince them to stop abusing substances. This group of people came to recovery because they were sick and tired of being sick and tired.

That said, they agreed that a loving relationship is key. They want close and trusting people in their lives to listen to them, uncritically- someone they could turn to and say “I’m craving real bad today.” As a group, they‘ve had poor experiences with interventions that foster tough love. They don’t want to be shamed. Shame makes them want to use substances all the more.

Research regarding treatment options is also key. Programs vary between inpatient, outpatient, residential, medication assisted and self-help. When they were ready to quit, they benefitted from knowledge of treatment programs within their community. Treatment needs to be readily available and affordable. One person said it was important “that this program is my choice, and I can take personal responsibility for my treatment.”