The Antidote to Resentment is Gratitude

If you’ve ever felt a combination of anger, bitterness, disappointment, and hard feelings to the point of disgust, you know the experience of resentment. It’s an emotion driven by reliving a perceived wrong or insult. The word resentment comes from Latin, meaning to feel a negative emotion again and again—re-experiencing the initial offense.

Unlike a quick burst of anger, resentment is a feeling that has been suppressed or unresolved and builds up over time, often turning into a grudge. There is a focus on the past, keeping the emotional pain alive in the present.

Resentment can be triggered by a variety of situations where a person feels their worth or rights have been violated. Common causes include feeling taken advantage of, put down, dismissed, or ignored. Power imbalances (e.g., at work). Feeling unappreciated, or that one is shouldering a disproportionate share of responsibilities. Or systemic injustices like discrimination or prejudice.

Holding onto resentment can be detrimental, affecting both mental and physical health. It often shows up in behavior as:

• Withdrawal: Pulling away from relationships or being emotionally checked out.
• Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing hostility indirectly, such as eye-rolling, sighing, or “quiet quitting” at work.
• Recurring Thoughts: An inability to stop thinking about the event that caused the original pain.
• Hostility and Cynicism: Developing a hostile, bitter, or cynical attitude that acts as a barrier to healthy relationships.
• Chronic Stress: In the long term, chronic stress from resentment can negatively impact the immune system and increase stress hormones like cortisol.

Sometimes we don’t want to let go of resentment. It can create an illusion of control when we feel powerless in a situation. It offers an alternative to difficult conversations we’d rather avoid. It can be emotional armor against vulnerability. It allows us to maintain a sense of moral righteousness. Some use it to evoke guilt in others. And, it enables staying in a victim role, avoiding responsibility for change. If we look honestly at the resentment, we might understand that these defenses are unreasonable and don’t serve us well.

Assuming that the offense can’t be corrected, or the wrong made right, what can you do to release resentment?

Resentment is an emotion rooted in a deficit of what you were unfairly denied or what you lost, focusing on past hurt and injustice. But gratitude is an emotion rooted in the abundance of what you currently possess or have gained. It focuses on the present and positive aspects of life.

Resentment thrives on the continuous replaying of the hurtful event. Gratitude provides an alternative mental pathway and interrupts the loop. When you consciously focus on what you are grateful for, you engage different neural circuits than those involved in negative memory retrieval. This interrupts the habitual thought patterns that fuel the bitterness.

While the offense may have been unfair, gratitude reminds you that not everything in your life is unfair. It acknowledges that good things also exist. This balance reduces the “all-or-nothing” thinking typical of resentment. When you are aware of the abundance in your life, you are less likely to view others through a lens of suspicion or victimization.

For example, your uncle Joe, who has a drinking problem and tends to ruin holiday gatherings, was also the first person to send a check when you were between jobs. Or, your aunt Betty, who can be highly critical, never forgets to remember your children’s birthdays with a card and gift, making them feel loved and cherished. Or, after being passed over for a promotion, you are grateful for the salary and benefits while you pursue better employment elsewhere.

In essence, resentment keeps you chained to the past, making you feel perpetually wronged. Gratitude is an act of empowerment that directs your attention and energy toward your current resources, making the past offense feel less powerful.

Choose gratitude in the present moment to loosen resentment’s hold and open yourself to healing.