The Myth of Soulmates
My 5-year-old great-niece looked up to me, the single adult woman in a room of couples, and asked, “Where’s your one-time love?” You could just see the wheels turning in her head, trying to make sense of the world and relationships. Disney movies had taught her that we are to find a forever mate to live happily ever after with. Disney Productions created a world where fantasy, magic, and true love reign. But in the case of the couples in this room, there were examples of multiple loves and a handful of losses. Given that almost 50 percent of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce or separation, one-time love is largely a myth.
Some people believe that we should teach our kids that love is never-ending. I’m not sure that serves them well. I absolutely want them to learn about love and commitment, but I also want them to learn about making wise choices, and the ability to separate from someone if needed. Some divorces are necessary to prevent further harm in a destructive relationship. Some divorces are unavoidable because one party decides on divorce despite the wishes of the other party. Some people behave destructively enough over a long time that they lose their spouse’s commitment. There are cases in which a marriage is non-viable and should be terminated. Those are cases involving domestic abuse – emotional, physical, or sexual – and cases in which the marriage is based on false pretense, such as personal or financial gain. There are as many reasons to divorce as stars in the sky. And yet, love still thrives for many people.
We all want a soulmate. We look for relationships that make us happy, fulfilled, and secure in the knowledge that our commitment will override challenges. The idea of a soulmate has persisted across numerous societies and time periods. Bradley Onishi, an associate professor of religion at Skidmore College, US, believes that there is something innate in our desire to believe in soulmates. “The soulmate myth promises fulfillment,” says Onishi. “It says that the isolation and loneliness that are so often part of the human experience are only temporary – that someday there will be a happily ever after in which we are united with The One who understands us at every level, protects us from harm, and gives our life overwhelming significance.”
Research into hundreds of relationships has shown that having an expectation of finding a soulmate leads to dysfunctional patterns of behavior and even makes you more likely to break up with your partner. Relationships take work and compromise. Ultimately, we should seek someone with whom we can solve problems. Experts say that you certainly shouldn’t worry about looking for a soulmate.
So, if not Disney fairy tales, what do we teach our children about love? We teach the process of building love based upon education, counseling techniques, videos, workshops, and rituals based upon research and best practices. We can all benefit from these tools to build love.