The One That Got Away
Niall Williams, in his book, This Is Happiness, tells a story filled with charming characters in a small Irish town. One of the main characters, Christy, arrives in town to make amends to Annie Mooney. Christy is now around 60 years old and seeks out Annie in order to atone for standing her up at the altar 40 years earlier.
I’ve heard of older adults reconnecting with their lost love many years later. They’ve had full lives, perhaps having been married with children, then found themselves single again either through divorce or death. And they wonder about the one that got away. Social media and the internet make it easy to locate and communicate with past loves.
Research indicates that older adults seeking out and reconnecting with their first loves, often have surprisingly positive outcomes. Dr. Nancy Kalish, a leading researcher on rekindled romances, has studied thousands of “lost love” relationships. Her research suggests that a significant percentage of first loves who reunite later in life stay together for good. Some studies cite it as over 70%. This success rate is remarkably high, even compared to the average success of relationships.
Kalish’s research indicates that successful rekindled first loves were typically young (under 17) when they first fell in love, and their initial relationship was often interrupted by external factors (like moving away, parental disapproval, or immaturity) rather than incompatibility.
Why are we drawn to our first love? After all, we’re not the same people we were then.
Falling in love releases a cocktail of “feel-good” brain chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine. This cocktail can be intoxicating, drawing us to seek love.
Lost loves offer comfort and familiarity. The appeal of familiarity can increase as we age. Reconnecting with a first love can feel like “coming home,” providing a sense of comfort and stability.
The emotional and hormonal imprints of first love can be intense. These memories remain vivid and can be easily triggered, making the idea of reconnecting powerful.
Older adults often have a greater sense of self-awareness and emotional maturity than their younger selves, making them better equipped to handle complexities.
If you find yourself searching online for your old flame, it may lead to long term love. But for the 30% who are unsuccessful, here’s a word of warning. People change, and the idealized memory of a first love may not align with the reality of the person today. Be careful that you are not simply lonely or attempting to escape current unhappiness. Reconnecting can be complex and it’s important to consider the impact on existing commitments and family. They may not welcome your new relationship with open arms.