When A Parent Rejects Their Child

Last week I wrote an article about adult children disowning their parents. This week I was encouraged to write about parents who disown their children. My friend had experienced the death of his daughter and would give anything to have contact again, no matter what poor behavior she may have exhibited. How could anyone cut off their child? What could go so terribly wrong that a parent would reject their own offspring?

There is surprisingly little research on this topic. But in my clinical experience, I’ve found that parents will cut off their children based upon two factors; either they have a need for safety, or they may reject their child because of their frustrated need for power and control because they cannot agree with their child’s life choices.

If your safety is compromised, it is best to place distance between you and your child. For example, I’m aware of a case in which a woman embezzled her elderly mother’s funds leaving her little for her future care. And I’m aware of a case in which a mother had to seek a legal order of protection after being physically assaulted by her son for the fourth time. I also hear drug addicts admit their shame at having broken into their parent’s home to steal valuable items to support their drug habit. These are clear examples of a need for boundaries, if not total cut offs.

Sometimes parents resort to power and control when they feel unable to influence their children. Tensions may exist between parents and children due to personality differences, past conflicts, lifestyle and value differences. These tensions may heighten to the point of being unresolvable. At worse, parents may resort to “my way or the highway.” For example, some religious communities demand that the child be cut off if the child leaves their church. Or worse yet, some parents have murdered their own children, in “honor killings.” Honor killings are acts of vengeance, usually death, committed by male family members against female family members, who are held to have brought dishonor upon the family.

Here’s a definition of healthy parenting from The National Resource Center for Healthy Marriage and Families that exemplifies the ideal parent-child relationship. “Healthy parenting involves practices that lead to stable and satisfying parent-child relationships built upon a strong friendship that is safe, secure, loving and nurturing, as well as being characterized by an ability to negotiate differences and resolve conflict, with the absence of abuse, neglect, or violence.”

If you are a parent who has been the victim of abuse, here’s what you should do. Protect yourself. Do not allow yourself to be a victim. If at all possible, continue to be warm and positive with your children. Continue to love them, but at a distance if necessary. Stay connected, even if only in an annual birthday card.

Here’s what not to do: Do not cut off your child to “teach them a lesson.” Don’t reject them until they submit to your will. Don’t disown them because they don’t live up to your expectations. There may be future opportunities to establish a mutually satisfying relationship.