When Politics Clash in a Marriage

Politics can be contentious, but the Trump-Harris election almost became an act of mortal combat. For some families, home felt more like a boxing ring than a place of respite. More and more political differences are leading to divorce.

Imagine a democratic wife who feels betrayed by her Republican husband because she perceives his vote as limiting reproductive freedoms for herself and their daughters. And imagine that her husband is upset that she can’t accept what he believes is his duty to protect the family’s economic security. They are at odds emotionally and ideologically.

These political differences are no longer seen only as opinions. They represent core values that shape someone’s views on morality and social justice, making it challenging for couples to reconcile different views. Nothing clarifies one’s values better than an election.

Some things are non-negotiable deal breakers, such as infidelity and domestic violence.   But are political differences deal breakers? Not usually. But my guess is that couples who divorce over politics have pre-existing grievances and the Trump-Harris election served as a tipping point.

Marital researcher, John Gottman, PhD, can predict with more than 90% accuracy which couples will divorce. After studying couples in the 1970s, Gottman dubbed Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. It is a metaphor depicting the end of time.

It’s not only what our political viewpoints are, but also how we discuss them. If we discuss politics using criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, we can expect resentment and disrespect. Productive conversation and connection ends.

Gottman also concluded that maintaining a certain number of positive interactions during moments of conflict is the secret to a stable and lasting relationship. It takes at least five positive interactions to overcome one negative one. Let me repeat that. You need five positives to overcome one negative.

The point is to have what Gottman calls a Positive Sentiment Override. It is a relationship dynamic where partners view their relationship and partner through a positive lens, instead of a negative lens.

If you have political differences, strive to use your best relationship skills to preserve your marriage.