Caught on Kiss Cam: The High Price of a Secret Affair

You may have seen the video of the couple who was caught on a kiss cam during a Coldplay concert. A “kiss cam” camera operator will scan the audience, focusing on couples, and the footage is displayed on large screens. They are encouraged to kiss. It’s a lighthearted and spontaneous form of entertainment for the audience, who enjoys the display of affection.

But it wasn’t lighthearted for CEO Andy Byron and Head of HR Kristin Cabot. Their awkward reaction of ducking and covering faces led to speculation that they were engaged in an affair.

A lot of people have affairs. In fact, about 20% of people have cheated on their partners. If you think that men have affairs more often than women, you might be surprised to learn that it’s fairly even. One study found that 20% of men and 19% of women have been unfaithful.

Affairs survive through deception. They are secrets…until they are discovered and their display of affection becomes an experience of public shame. Byron and Cabot’s tech company’s board placed Byron on leave and initiated a formal investigation within hours. He resigned the next day. Cabot, the Head of HR, also resigned about a week later. As you can imagine, both of their marriages are impacted by the scandal.

Why do people have affairs? Research indicates that women who have affairs often seek emotional connection. Studies suggest women are more likely to cheat due to emotional dissatisfaction, feeling neglected, or seeking emotional intimacy that’s lacking in their primary relationship. Men who are engaged in affairs often seek sexual variety or physical connection. Men are more frequently motivated by sexual desire, opportunity, or a desire for something new.

People may employ “compartmentalization” to deal with any guilt they may feel when having an affair. One part of their life has nothing to do with another part. Or so they think.

Why take the risk? Approximately 24% to 40% of cheaters are eventually caught, and technology makes it easier to catch.  Most studies and surveys indicate that text messages, direct messages, or phone evidence are the leading ways cheaters get discovered. Other common ways cheaters get caught include a partner’s intuition or confrontation, confession from the cheater themselves, or the person they cheated with or others in their social circle inform the partner.

If caught, there are significant consequences. The most common consequences include loss of trust and intimacy that may result in divorce. Emotional fallout: Cheaters frequently experience guilt, shame, and remorse. Or depression and anxiety. Social repercussions like public humiliation and damaged reputation. Friends, family, and coworkers may lose respect for the unfaithful partner. Relationship consequences: Many relationships end in separation or divorce after infidelity. Even relationships that continue almost always bear a lasting scar. Physical and practical impacts: If the affair involved unprotected sex, there may be risks of sexually transmitted infections. Other practical consequences include needing to quit jobs or leave social circles where cheating occurred. Legal and financial issues: In cases involving divorce, the unfaithful partner may face unfavorable divorce settlements, loss of custody, or financial penalties. Long-term guilt and regret, and ongoing surveillance: Cheaters who attempt to rebuild relationships may need to deal with ongoing surveillance and the emotional distress of their betrayed partners. Both partners often endure significant psychological distress, and the unfaithful partner’s actions may have ripple effects on children, extended family, and social circles as well.

As a marriage and family therapist, I have witnessed the emotional devastation that an affair can create in a marriage. Betrayal can elicit PTSD symptoms in the person who was cheated on. In some ways it is more painful for someone to have been betrayed than to experience the death of a partner. When someone dies, you don’t take it personally. The rejection of a betrayal is often deeply internalized, leading to feelings of worthlessness and a profound sense of having been intentionally and maliciously harmed by someone they trusted. This can shatter a person’s sense of reality and safety, making it incredibly difficult to heal and move forward.

If you knew of the possible devastation to your partner, perhaps you wouldn’t choose to engage in an affair. You would safeguard your marriage.

Many couples stay together. Research indicates that between 57% and 75% of couples stay together after infidelity is revealed.

Healing is possible. Some studies suggest that couples who commit to the hard work of recovery, including honesty, rebuilding trust, and forgiveness, can emerge with a stronger, more honest, and fulfilling relationship. Some even report greater levels of satisfaction and happiness due to a new commitment to intimacy and understanding.

Honesty matters. If the unfaithful partner admits to the infidelity, the survival rate at the 5-year mark is around 57%. If the infidelity remains a secret or is consistently denied, the survival rate drops significantly to 20%.

Couples therapy helps. Couples who engage in therapy after infidelity have a higher success rate for staying together and often report better outcomes compared to those who don’t seek professional help.