Getting Out of Abusive Relationships

Dating isn’t easy, but here is an essential truth: It is always better to be alone than in a destructive relationship.

Dating is a process of getting to know someone. You aren’t psychic; you can’t know in advance if someone is bad for you. In fact, you may not know until you are already emotionally attached. This is common.

Look for Red Flags: Is Your Relationship Abusive?

Are you in a relationship right now where someone repeatedly criticizes, invalidates, or humiliates you (emotional/verbal abuse); manipulates you; physically hurts you (physical abuse); lies to you repeatedly or betrays your trust; makes unreasonable requests or demands (e.g., controlling your money or demanding you pay for everything); or exploits you or is overly controlling and involved?

If you said “Yes” to any of the questions above, you deserve better. It’s time to seriously consider ending the relationship.

1. Listen to Trusted People. You may feel confused or so controlled that you’ve lost touch with your own needs. If multiple reasonable people are telling you the relationship is bad, please listen to them. They can see the situation more clearly.
2. Focus on Yourself, Not on Changing Them. Don’t waste your energy on trying to change your partner. Your only focus should be on helping yourself. If you have kindly and directly communicated your needs repeatedly and they still don’t understand, accept that they are not a good partner for you. Find another.
3. You Can Detach (Even if You Can’t Leave Yet). Even if you cannot leave a damaging relationship right now, you can still detach from it. Protect yourself by choosing not to talk to that person about vulnerable or important topics.
4. Treat It Like an Addiction. Destructive relationships can be as addictive as drugs. The best strategy is the same: actively force yourself to stay away, no matter how hard it feels to do so. Remember that you have choices.
5. Release the Guilt. If you feel guilty about leaving, remember that you only have one life to live. You have the right to decide how to live it safely and happily.
6. Prepare for Fallout. When you leave a bad relationship, your partner may become angry or dangerous. Expect fallout and find ways to protect yourself. This includes the support of trusted people “on your side,” a well-developed safety plan, and a shelter if necessary.
7. Seek Support Groups. Try Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA). This is a twelve-step group for people who become dependent on or involved in damaging relationships.

If someone is physically hurting you, do not buy into “I’ll be different next time.” If there is a pattern of abuse after you have given repeated chances to treat you decently, get out.

Listen to the person’s actions, not their words. You do not owe the other person an explanation; you can just leave.

You should never have to tolerate being physically hurt by anyone. If you are in a situation of domestic violence, this is very serious and requires immediate help.